Thoughts

Hannah lent me Michael A Singer’s book T he Surrender Experiment and I have been musing on how relevant it is to the sort of work we do. We often get approached by people looking to move to the next level in their career. They want to know how they can “come across” as a senior leader, the implication being that they need to alter in some way. But as we know the most powerful and inspirational people are that way because they seem to be doing things effortlessly. It is very hard to appear to be doing things effortlessly if you are in fact expending a lot of effort. We work a lot with status in our sessions, the idea being that in any situation, be it a conversation, a meeting or even one person sitting on their own in a room, there are power dynamics at play. Someone will be more charge (in the case of the person sitting in the room it might be the room itself – believe me, objects also have status) and someone will be less in charge. And that often has very little to do with their relative hierarchy in the company. We all have an innate sense of who has the power in any given conversation and even if the sound were turned off it would still be blindingly obvious who that was. We often unpack what it is that makes us know this, one person is speaking slower, for example or appears less bothered. Once we are aware of the elements we can employ to raise or lower* our status in a conversation then we can choose them accordingly. I regularly talk about the feedback loop, how there are certain technical things that you can do if a conversation is going badly to make you appear more in control. If we fake create the illusion of confidence in our body, it will somehow convince our mind that we ARE more confident. Basically: Fake it till you make it. But all of the above is really an emergency fall-back, there are much more fundamental things that you can do to yourself from within. When we are feeling under threat it is very difficult to appear in control (unless we turn to bullying). But a happy and secure high status person will be equally at ease sweeping the floor as they are running a huge organisation. And what better way to feel happy and secure than if you know absolutely that the whole package of you as a person is already perfect. And so back to surrendering. There is something so releasing about the feeling that you have been brought to this particular space and time by the universe, not by your own preference. It takes away all the embarrassment or shame, you are simply performing a task which has been set you by the course of life. There is no shame in stating who you are, what you do, what your experience is and if it is not what the employer wants then so be it. You don’t have to pretend to be anything you are not or “sell” yourself. You don’t have to be anyone else. It’s actually a really lovely way to be. That doesn’t mean to say that you need to be arrogant and unbothered - there is something beautiful and energetic about being joyously yourself, think of children playing. Take on being helpful and kind to the person in front of you and do it with love – after all there is nothing more helpful to them than filling their job for them. And if it’s difficult to get your mind into that mind set, give your brain a job. When I feel particularly nervous about a coaching session I am tempted to plan it to the nth degree. That’s fine, there is no harm in being prepared. But in the last minutes before I enter the room I need to get rid of all the information getting in my way and just let myself be. I tend to give myself the cue: “go into that room and listen and what needs to happen will happen”. And by listen I mean not just to the people but the walls, the time, the air, the atmosphere. I need to meet it. Be present. Sit within myself, not watching myself from the outside. It strikes me as an irony that Mark Rylance, an incredible actor with a chameleonic ability to take on a different skin has, as his favourite mantra: You are enough. He goes onto say: What’s happening to you is you don’t feel you’re enough, and you’re putting more effort into it than you should. You’ll be in the center of yourself, your voice will be centered, your movements will be centered, and the audience will also believe you more, because they’ll also believe that you’re enough. As soon as you surrender to being enough and sit wholeheartedly and with joy inside yourself, the promotions will come in. And if one of them doesn’t it will be because there will be a more fitting one just behind it. *yes, there are times when you need to lower it – imagine trying to get information out of a frightened child, or dealing with a boss who is threatened by you With thanks to Engin Akyurt on Unsplash for image

There’s a video I show a lot when I’m running presentation training. It is Barack Obama’s speech to the university of Illinois in 2018. Now my admiration for Barack Obama is almost indecent and I’m all the more conscious of it since watching the Series 1 of Fleabag (if you’ve not yet seen it you should). However, in my defence he gives extremely good speech and it is my job to show people why. In this particular address he is in his element. He strolls onto the podium, all trademark grin and lanky limbs. He leans into the mic, takes in the room. I L L he says. The audience respond, putty in his hand. I L L . He repeats it. Call and response. I L L . Three times. He looks delighted. It’s good to be home. He says. They cheer. Good to see corn. They cheer again. I said on the flight over. That’s corn. That’s wheat. They were very impressed…. A beat while the audience cheer. He finishes the sentence. At my agricultural knowledge. The audience go wild again. The more observant amongst you will notice that there are very few words spoken in the first 2 or 3 minutes of the Obama Illinois speech. Of the words spoken, very few of them have more than 2 syllables or can be said to be great or imposing words. Yet this is a master, master of his game, master of his delivery, master of appealing to absolutely everyone in that room as if they were personally the only person in his vicinity. This is the ultimate example of someone exhibiting secure high status. Secure high status is what someone shows when they are having a brilliant time. Viv Groskop in her incredible book “How to own the Room” tells a brilliant story about George Clooney at a black tie party. Someone mistakes him for a waitor and asks him for a drink. Instead of being put out he beams at the poor mistaken person, says: Absolutely. And gets him a drink. A high status person doesn’t ever need to say: Do you know who I am? They don’t need to use long words or business jargon. (Yes, yes, I know. “Secure high status” Sorry.) They break sentences up. Why land one sentence when you can land it twice and get more juice out of it. They were very impressed is cheeky at my agricultural knowledge is self mocking. They don’t rush because they are having far too good a time. They don’t worry about where their speech is going because they trust that their coordinator brain is in charge of the satnav. In the meantime they, their true, immediate, present creative self is going to hang out and enjoy the view. And allow us in to enjoy it too. Think of the speech you gave at your wedding. Maybe we could all learn to be Obama at the podium surrounded by a crowd of thousands of home turf supporters. At a time in his life where he has nothing left to prove (and much less responsibility than before). We may have to earn it more, people may not even know who we are to start with but if we show a willingness to be playful and let them in we will earn their trust very quickly.

I recently stumbled, almost literally as it happens, across this most extraordinary book. It was as if it had been lying in wait; its desire to be read crying out like the petulant mew of a hungry cat, demanding that most immediate part of my attention. And I have felt the strongest compulsion to respond ever since. To the book that is, not the cat. ‘The Authority Gap’ explores why women are less likely than men to be taken seriously in positions of authority; how they, for example, regularly experience insidious micro aggressions such as interruption, questioning, belittling - and how the qualities we have learnt to associate with authority are, in essence, ‘masculine’. There is a chapter on what we can do about it which, amongst other things, explores ways we can pro-actively expose ourselves to more women’s voices. This alleviates to some extent the feelings of frustration the book ignites, but you’re clearly left with the sense that there is an awfully long way to go. My impulse to respond has been driven in part by excitement that at last the challenges I have faced in everyday interactions since as long as I can remember, suddenly have a name, a context, a data-driven backbone: systemic sexism, unconscious gender bias. Hardly new terms or concepts I hear you cry. Fair point. But did you also roll your eyes? If so, I’m afraid to say you are part of the problem. And before you get too uppity, actually we all are – part of the problem that is – hence the word systemic. Never has such damning data felt at once so mortifying yet simultaneously exhilarating to read. The overarching concept it sheds light on may well not be new, but the eloquent and scientific pinpointing of the (seemingly invisible) gender authority gap feels breathtakingly new. Not least because it told me what I’d needed to hear for such a very, very long time; I’m not imagining it. How many times, in the few short days it took me to devour this book, did internalised, long suppressed rage come dangerously close to boiling point whilst reading that I am far from alone? That this problem is in fact gargantuan - experienced by the many, not the few? Solace in numbers perhaps, but outrage too that despite half the population suffering these injustices day in day out, still no one is really talking about it. If even female world leaders continue to experience these challenges on a daily basis, then we can only begin to imagine their impact on successfully silencing our voices, our opinions, our unique strengths. Except we no longer have to imagine, because there is now a book dedicated entirely to it. It feels apt to engage with this material from a communication perspective. Many of those whose voices we at 'In The Room' are trying to encourage, hone and raise, are those of women. As women ourselves we are naturally interested in what other women have to say and passionately want it to be heard. We’ve always known it was worth hearing, but it seems there are still plenty who need convincing - or who are simply not aware of the deafening female silence surrounding them. I sincerely hope this book will help change that. I loved the image at the end of a world led solely by men being likened to a bird flying with only one of its wings (credit Mary McAleese). If I’ve learnt nothing else (I have, by the way) whilst exploring my privilege in the past few years, it is the importance of allyship; that I must proactively look for opportunities to collaborate with minority voices towards common goals, how I must lend my voice to those still struggling to be heard. And, importantly, how we might - by finally using that second wing - all gain from creating a more equitable society. Hard to argue with, huh?* *If you just muttered ‘no’, sighed or groaned, I would encourage you to read this book as a matter of extreme urgency… Written by Hannah Emanuel 'In The Room' Training

A wise man (Dale Carnegie) once said: “To be interesting, be interested.” Another wise man (Chris Voss, FBI hostage negotiator) said “The secret of negotiating is empathy”. (…And there were many wise women who were no doubt too engaged in following the above advice to actually say anything on the matter…) Both these sayings go to the heart of what we believe in because they encourage you to put your energy outside yourself. This has a myriad of advantages. It stops you being distracted by the critical parrot on your shoulder – the one that is telling you how embarrassing you’re being and how likely it is that you’re going to forget the next thing you had to say and how much this presentation is going to be the end of your career. That parrot. That parrot doesn’t get a look-in because you are too busy being a detective and listening or better still sensing what’s in front of you. What does your audience want? What is really important to the person on the other side of the table. How are they feeling right now? It’s brilliant for nerves because it distracts you. While you’re thinking about the interesting fact that the person in front of you looks cold you will be feeling much less nervous than when thinking about the fact that your own hand is shaking. It’s also going to make you so much more engaging. Who isn’t seduced by someone who appears to know exactly what they’re thinking – and CARE. As actors we are always being encouraged to “be in the moment”. What this means is that we might spend weeks learning a part and further weeks researching it and rehearsing it but when it comes to the moment that we are on stage, we try to be in that moment and nowhere else. We try to be as playful and absorbed as children. We try to be interested not interesting. The only way to achieve this is to give our grownup brains a job. That job is to notice, observe and be responsive to anything that comes back at us. This might be as subtle as a twitch in our partner’s face or a slight flickering of the lights or – I don’t know – an aeroplane flying overhead. We use all of our senses, not just our eyes, and we respond in the moment. Another job we give our grownup brains is to try to achieve something from the other character. For example in a scene about a break up, rather than giving ourselves the direction to “be sad” we might play “get the other person to pity me” or “hide how I’m feeling from the other person by mocking them” or “reassure the other person”. Whatever action we chose to play (and it changes minute by minute) it will be way more interesting for an audience than simply “being sad”. And guess what, it stops actors getting nervous too. The way to apply the above is to think always about the person you are talking to rather than yourself. Observe and pick up on information in front of you, have objectives (how you want to affect that person) and be flexible in pursuit of those objectives. When I’m working on a presentation with someone, I always ask them: “What do your audience need or want to know?” You’d be amazed how much of the powerpoint can be dumped as soon as you ask yourself that question. (Actually just dump the whole thing. You’re so much more interesting than a screen.) But, I hear you say…. BUT …... “I’ve got to remember all the stuff I’m supposed to be saying, the last thing I’ve got space for in my brain is to work out what someone else/ 300 people are thinking about me.” I’m going to stop you right there. First of all, it’s not “what they’re thinking about you”. They’re probably not thinking about you at all. If you’re lucky and you’re doing your job right then they’re thinking about what you’re saying. They’re applying it to their own lives. They’re relieved you’re making them laugh because it’s the end of a long Friday etc etc… It’s all about them. Really. And guess what, if you come prepared- and by that I mean so prepared that you could give your speech in your sleep, then you will be able to take the next step which is to “throw it all away”. By this I mean, let go of the material, let it fly, rely on your brain to know it but don’t feel the need to be sitting astride that brain-horse controlling its every move. Instead allow it some space. Not only will it know the material without being constantly reminded (the way you can tell your children a story without panicking that you don’t know the next line) but it will also enjoy being given a bit of freedom and will start coming up with creative ways to approach the material which will be as fresh as ANYTHING because they will be utterly relevant to THIS audience in THIS moment. The key to all of this is relaxation. But it is also the key to making you relaxed. Go figure.