Hannah lent me Michael A Singer’s book The Surrender Experiment and I have been musing on how relevant it is to the sort of work we do. We often get approached by people looking to move to the next level in their career. They want to know how they can “come across” as a senior leader, the implication being that they need to alter in some way. But as we know the most powerful and inspirational people are that way because they seem to be doing things effortlessly. It is very hard to appear to be doing things effortlessly if you are in fact expending a lot of effort. 

We work a lot with status in our sessions, the idea being that in any situation, be it a conversation, a meeting or even one person sitting on their own in a room, there are power dynamics at play. Someone will be more charge (in the case of the person sitting in the room it might be the room itself – believe me, objects also have status) and someone will be less in charge. And that often has very little to do with their relative hierarchy in the company. We all have an innate sense of who has the power in any given conversation and even if the sound were turned off it would still be blindingly obvious who that was. We often unpack what it is that makes us know this, one person is speaking slower, for example or appears less bothered. Once we are aware of the elements we can employ to raise or lower* our status in a conversation then we can choose them accordingly. I regularly talk about the feedback loop, how there are certain technical things that you can do if a conversation is going badly to make you appear more in control. If we fake create the illusion of confidence in our body, it will somehow convince our mind that we ARE more confident. Basically: Fake it till you make it.  

But all of the above is really an emergency fall-back, there are much more fundamental things that you can do to yourself from within. When we are feeling under threat it is very difficult to appear in control (unless we turn to bullying). But a happy and secure high status person will be equally at ease sweeping the floor as they are running a huge organisation. And what better way to feel happy and secure than if you know absolutely that the whole package of you as a person is already perfect.

And so back to surrendering. There is something so releasing about the feeling that you have been brought to this particular space and time by the universe, not by your own preference. It takes away all the embarrassment or shame, you are simply performing a task which has been set you by the course of life. There is no shame in stating who you are, what you do, what your experience is and if it is not what the employer wants then so be it. You don’t have to pretend to be anything you are not or “sell” yourself. You don’t have to be anyone else. It’s actually a really lovely way to be.   

That doesn’t mean to say that you need to be arrogant and unbothered - there is something beautiful and energetic about being joyously yourself, think of children playing. Take on being helpful and kind to the person in front of you and do it with love – after all there is nothing more helpful to them than filling their job for them.

And if it’s difficult to get your mind into that mind set, give your brain a job. When I feel particularly nervous about a coaching session I am tempted to plan it to the nth degree. That’s fine, there is no harm in being prepared. But in the last minutes before I enter the room I need to get rid of all the information getting in my way and just let myself be. I tend to give myself the cue: “go into that room and listen and what needs to happen will happen”. And by listen I mean not just to the people but the walls, the time, the air, the atmosphere. I need to meet it. Be present. Sit within myself, not watching myself from the outside.

It strikes me as an irony that Mark Rylance, an incredible actor with a chameleonic ability to take on a different skin has, as his favourite mantra: You are enough. He goes onto say:  

As soon as you surrender to being enough and sit wholeheartedly and with joy inside yourself, the promotions will come in. And if one of them doesn’t it will be because there will be a more fitting one just behind it.